I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
