We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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