You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
