thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
