i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
