my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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