Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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