my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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