I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
