I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Mom said you looked used
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
