they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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