Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
