he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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