it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
