Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
