i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Terrible idea I love it
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
