Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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