I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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