Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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