guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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