Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
