I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
