Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
