A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
