I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
