please come you make the beer taste better
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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