Define "chronic" masturbator.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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