Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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