The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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