it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
