just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
