i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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