my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
