Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
