Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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