Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
