Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
