Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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