I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
