I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
