I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
