i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
