I checked into jail on foursquare
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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