How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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