Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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