So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
