so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
