im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
