Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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