Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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