dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I did not marry a roomba.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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