My underwear smells like fireworks.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
