And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
