Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
