i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
