He is such a slut. More and more my type.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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