Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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