I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
