Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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