the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
